What Doesn't Kill You Makes You Stronger

NO SHIT!

 

I've heard this cliché all my life and never really "got" it before.  That's saying a lot cause I grew up in an abusive family (mental illness, alcoholism, emotional and physical abuse).  Yeah, I've known emotional hard times since I was a baby. 

 

But surviving my childhood taught me fierce coping skills.  I also believe it molded me into the loving, compassionate woman I am today.   I think it's why I go out of my way to love and help others.  I know what it's like not to have that in your life.

 

Still, whenever I heard this cliché my first thought was: "Fuck that shit!  Hard times suck.  Been there, done that.  Gimme the good stuff!" 

 

But after taking incredibly hard hits in every area of my life for almost four years now, I have a confession to make.  I finally crumbled in November. 

 

I did. 

 

Even my closest friends didn't know how bad it was with me.  Hell, I didn't know.  But I could tell I was sinking into another major case of burnout in October, which is why I took a semi-vacay in November. 

 

Then November finished me off.  My Fey mate and I sustained several hard hits on our relationship.  And Ken's daughters came back into my life with the news of his death.

 

After that something snapped in me.   Instantly, I crashed and burned.  I'd been holding on by my fingertips anyway. 

 

Miraculously, the second week of December I rose from the ashes. 

 

I've always been a Taoist Fey chick and lived primarily in the moment because that's all we really own.  The past is gone, and the future hasn't happened yet.  But after Ken's daughters flowed through my life something broke inside me. 

 

I became entrenched in the moment and couldn't think past it.  I lost all attachment to everything and began to float in a sea of numbness.

 

My Fey mate is the only one who really sensed what was happening with me.  He and I spend so much time in the Fey realm having incredible sex we've bonded on a deeper level than I ever could've imagined.  Plus, he's an Empath like me.  

 

Still, it's uncanny the way he can sense what I'm feeling the moment I feel it.  And, no, he doesn't live close to me.  He lives hundreds of miles away in another state. 

 

Every time I would drift too far he could sense it.  It worried him, so he would call or text or send me an IM to reach out and pull me back so I wouldn't drift away.  Thank the Goddess for that sweet, loving man!

 

Now I've stopped floating, and I've emerged from that numbing fog. 

 

But I'm not the same chick I was before I crumbled last month.  I'm still firmly entrenched in the moment.  I've lost many of my former attachments to things.  Especially the future.  I can't seem to grasp the concept anymore.  Strange, isn't it?   

 

My career has recovered from the mess my exagent made of it, and it's better than ever.  During my semi-vacay in November I regained my joy for writing.  The burnout is gone, and I'm having a blast finishing the next book in "The Manigault Vampires" series.

 

But a weird thing has happened.  I don't give a shit about much of anything anymore.  I've always been good about letting irritating things roll off my back.  And I've always done my own thing.  You've heard me say many times I groove with those who groove with me, and ignore those who don't.  That's still true.  Only now it's multiplied by 100.  Uh-oh.  *wicked grin*

 

After publishing 14 books in 20 months back-to-back with no break in-between and pushing myself to the max, I no longer do that.  Or I should say I can't do it.  My bod won't cooperate.  It just doesn't feel the need anymore. 

 

Don't get me wrong.  I'm still a high-energy chick.  Even so, I can't rush anymore.  In fact, I can't even walk fast.  Once again, my bod no longer feels the need.  So I walk slower, strut more, enjoy myself, and take my time.

 

Today, I realized these odd changes make me stronger.  Much stronger than I was before.  And that's saying a lot since I've always been a tough cookie (even though I'm a sweetie with a big mushy heart).  I mean, you have to be tough when you grow up like I did, or you won't survive it.  

 

So here's the deal.  Believe it or not, I'm happier than I've been in years.  Almost ecstatic.  I've regained the soul-deep happiness I had in 2008 before everything in my life went to hell.  

 

I think that's why I don't give a shit anymore.  I just do my thing, love all the people I love every day, enjoy my life, and that's good enough for me.

 

When Ken disappeared I went through a really hard time in July and August.  One day the Fey said something to me that was so astounding I made it into a sign and hung it over my desk.  They told me:

 

"It is enough to live in the Happiness of each day."

 

After they gave me that I tried really hard to do it.  I did.  But I couldn't.  Not completely. 

 

However, I'm definitely doing it now.  I finally understand what it means. 

 

Living as deeply entrenched in the moment as I am now will do that to you.  So will what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

 

Damnation.  Who knew?!!   

 

*massivetacklehugs*

 

 

Laura Stamps
Pagan Paranormal Erotica Novelist
(HOT vampires, shapeshifters, witches)
Email: laurastamps18@yahoo.com
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